Trifter

 Having lived in Thailand for 3 and a half years now, I feel a tribute has to be made to that peculiar of creatures, the Bangkok taxi driver. And what a species it is.

I’ve started to play a game of ‘guess the taxi driver type’ when I hail one down. Is he going to be Mr. traditional, with no English, with classic Thai songs on the radio, and with enough Buddha imagery to drop the suspension? These types normally have a license showing a picture of them about thirty years ago, and looking nothing like them. I wonder if these older drivers are mentally damaged from doing the same job for their lifetime?

Is my taxi driver going to be a young gun, with shades, driving like Lewis Hamilton, and with either modern Thai rock songs or Western rock songs blaring out of the speakers? Strangely enough, the license pictures of these drivers don’t look much like them either….

Is my driver going to be Mr: “Happy, friendly to farang (foreigners), cheerful chap”? Usually middle-aged, he knows a little bit of English, so wants to do the usual list of basic questions about my history as he drives. No guarantee that he understands the answers, but he tries. Depending on my mood, this type of guy can give me a pleasant journey or is a little bit annoying.

Just one important question: why, when a taxi driver asks you if you speak a little Thai, and you say: “Nitnoi!” (a little), he then proceeds to talk to you as if you have a higher degree in the Thai language? A little bit means a little bit, and yes, I have picked up some Thai but not enough to discuss the merits of Thai politics, economic forecasting, or car mechanics.

You know, it’s quite funny, I am continuously stalked by taxi drivers. Out here in Pattanakarn, in the sticks, where Farang are scarce and I’m quite a way from the centre of Bangkok, I get noticed all the time walking down the road.

Often, I will be aware of a taxi driver slowing down next to me as I pound the pavements, and wave at me as if I naturally need a taxi. Well, guys, thanks for the offer, but foreigners use their legs too. I can walk 300 metres to the 7-11 or Tesco Lotus without needing assistance.

Often, you get more chance of getting somewhere by walking than taking a taxi. The number of taxis here that have some sort of unsettling rattle in the engine or in the suspension, or have ripped seats, or bounce around the road like a kangaroo, is amazing. Some of them are barely road-worthy, it seems that the driver will just run their vehicle into the ground until parts of it start to fall of like a clown’s car in a circus.

Just for the record, in the six months I’ve been here, I’ve had four taxis break down while I’ve been in them, and one which ran out of gas. Most drivers seem to drive with about a teaspoon of gas in their tank and really sail close to the wind.

For the most part, though, I’m very fond of taxi drivers. Although there are general types, I don’t think I’ve had the same driver twice. And how many cities in the world apart from American ones can you stand anywhere, even quiet areas or five o’clock in the morning, and get a cab within two minutes?

They are also incredibly cheap. If I wanted to take a cab in Britain, a ten to fifteen minute journey will cost me about 6 pounds – which is about 400 baht. Here, you can go across the city in a 45 minute journey for about 200 baht. Awesome.

You will always get the pond-life who hang outside red light areas like Nana, Patpong and Soi Cowboy, hoping to fleece an unwary farang of 500 baht for a 150 baht journey, but these are in a minority.

I’ve never had any disagreements with taxi drivers, and sometimes they may be quiet but they are hardly ever disrespectful.

So if you feel like drinking a little over the odds in Bangkok, raise a glass to some of the most hard-working people in Bangkok. They will always be there to transport your drunken hide to your hotel or condo, so be grateful.

Cheers!